"But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace."- Psalm 37:11

God has been teaching me a lot lately about suffering, meekness and what it truly means to die to self. Do you ever feel unappreciated? Do you ever feel like no one really sees your heart or where you are gifted? Do you ever feel like you are always giving of yourself to others but they never give in return? Do you ever feel unwanted or not accepted? I think a lot of us feel each of these things at one time or another in our lives but no one ever wants to admit it because it makes us look weak. Well, Ill admit it...I have felt all of these things at one time or another and it hurts. There is no way around it. It just hurts. When people don't see us for who we really are or don't appreciate us it make us feel like less of a person and rejected. Satan loves when we feel this way because it allows him the space to come in and tell us that we aren't worth it and that no one loves us. Satan likes to make people feel alone so we become depressed and ineffective for God.

A couple weeks ago I spent my Friday completely with the Lord. I had some quiet time with Him and then I put my iPod on some worship music and went for a walk with my Savior. As I was walking the Lord started giving me these visions of people who were being killed for their faith. I didn't quite understand why I was getting these morbid visions and then the Lord started speaking to me about what it meant to suffer for Him. I realized that suffering can come in many different forms and extremes. He also started speaking to me about meekness. To have meekness means to be humble and selfless. At times that may mean being unseen by others; being forgotten and unappreciated as you serve the Lord. He started impressing upon me what it looked like to really come to an end of my self; to come to a place where all I have left is Him. He was asking me, "If no one else acknowledges you and appreciates you, am I worth it? Can you be ok if I am the only one who loves you and sees all you do? Am I enough for you?" Of course the next day at church guess what the pastor preached on? Yes, you are correct...suffering. I kind of laughed to myself and told God that I got the point. The reality is that it is so hard to be selfless sometimes. As humans we want our gifts to be recognized. We want to be seen, appreciated and wanted. We want people to like who we really are and not feel like we have to hide that.

This reminds me of so many of the Psalms where David cries out to the Lord to save Him. He feels alone and persecuted but through it all he eventually chooses to praise the Lord and trust the Lord for justice and redemption. God is continually showing me that my affirmation can not be found in what men have to say, but rather who God says I am. I can't seek my approval from man. I have to serve God in all that I do. If no one ever acknowledges who I am or what I do than that is ok because I shouldn't have been doing it for them in the first place. I have to be a friend to people even when they are not a good friend back to me. I have to minister to others even if no one ever sees where my gifts lie. I have to love people even when they do not love me back. Why?? Because that is what Christ did. Many people view meekness as being timid or weak. It is completely against everything we are taught to be in this world and everything our prideful nature says to do. It is hard to hear, but the truth is this: What right do we really have to be "known" in this world? Is that something that has been promised to us? The bottom line is that God never promised us the right to be seen, but He did promise us that He would always hear our cries.  

 "I call on the LORD in my distress, and he answers me."- Psalm 120:1 

God has also been giving me a glimpse into what it feels like to carry other people's burdens and pain. It has been a year since I packed up everything and moved to Gainesville to start working for Adventures in Missions. I came to AIM with a business background and experience but felt that the Lord was calling me to something different. At the time I wasn't really sure what all that meant. I knew I had a heart for people, but I always thought my gifting lied in the business world. I had all the suits, the briefcase, the organizer and the education but for some reason as much as I wanted it to fit my personality it just didn't. I did well at my jobs and enjoyed them at times,

but I always felt the Lord pulling my heart to something more. I look back and I realize I am not the same person that I was a year ago. This has been absolutely the hardest year of my life, but it has been one of the best. God has changed me. He has shown me my gifts and He has broken my heart for the things that break His. Last week we had training camp here at the office for about 130 young people heading out to serve around the world. One night at worship I just got overwhelmed. I realized that my heart has been broken for this generation of young people. I can't explain it, but God has just given me a passion to see this generation come alive to what matters in this life and not settle for less than that. I want young women to see that they are beautiful, loved and valued in this world. I want to see guys step up and be the men that God has called them to be. God has broken me so much that I don't think I can ever go back to a job that doesn't work with people in some capacity. To be honest, sometimes I wish I could. In many ways "normal life" would be so much easier, but I don't want to settle for something other than what God has called me to do. I'm realizing more and more that God did not just bring me here to do mission work. It is my prayer that He has used me in the lives of the people I have met this year, but I realize more than anything that He brought me here to change me. He brought me here to break my heart and make me into the woman that He created me to be. I'm not quit there yet, but every hardship, struggle and hurt brings me a step closer to Him if I choose to allow it. What does this next year look like? Honestly, I don't know. But, I do know that I am open to whatever the Lord has for me, and I will sit at His feet and wait until He shows me. His will is perfect, and I can't wait to see all He has in store.