Breaking My Will

“Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.”- Psalm 119:35-37

Hello everyone! I’m sorry it has been so long since my last blog. Time has completely run away without me recently. I look back and I can’t believe I was in J-Bay for 6 weeks. Once I finally got oriented and on a schedule the time just flew by. Jeffreys Bay was amazing. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to come home. It is so gorgeous there and an enjoyable place to live. It was a blessing to see the relationships I was able to build in the communities we visited and with members of the team. It is neat when you get to the place where people in the community know your name and look forward to seeing you every day. Every Monday I would drive a group to Port Elizabeth to visit the Algoa Center for those suffering from cerebral palsy (as mentioned in the previous blog). I only was able to go a couple of times, but the people there left a lasting impact on me and taught me how much I tend to take for granted. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays I would help the J-Bay staff run errands and whatever else was needed around town. On Thursdays I would drive one team to Humansdorp to work at a daycare run by a sweet lady named Virginia. I would then drop another team off in St. Francis to visit different families in that area. I usually spent most of my time with the team in St. Francis but also enjoyed the time I spent at Virginia’s. On Friday I would spend the day with the team in St. Francis. Although driving on the opposite side of the road was somewhat daunting at first, I actually ended up enjoying it and was blessed to be able to help the team in that way. It was great ministering to the people in all of these cities and building relationships with the team members in the process.

The team of 50 is now breaking up into 3 different groups. From January to May, there will be a group in J-Bay, Port Elizabeth and Swaziland. I found out right before I left for J-Bay in November that they wanted me to lead the group going to Swaziland in January. Honestly, I didn’t really want to go. The idea of being gone to a place as hard as Swaziland for 5 months was not something that I really wanted to do. I told them I would pray about it and knew the decision was too big to not cover it in prayer. So, throughout my whole time in J-Bay I prayed and thought about whether or not I should lead this trip. I struggled to find an answer and peace from the Lord. I just didn’t know what to do because if I decided to go to Swazi I would be giving up so many things at home that were important to me such as missing two of my best friend’s weddings. Selfishly, I didn’t want to do it. It would be giving up too much. Part of me felt like I was supposed to go, but I fought it tooth and nail because I didn’t want to be away for that long. It is abnormal to know going into a situation that it is going to be really hard and saying “Sign me up!” The fear of being lonely, being away from my dog for so long, being forgotten by those at home, having life pass me by and missing so many things that are dear to my heart were just too much for me. I didn’t want to do it. But, I felt my heart continually being pulled that this was what I was supposed to do. I started getting to know the people who are on the Swazi team and could see that I fit on that team very easily. They are amazing and some of the girls I got the closest to during this time are on the Swazi team. I have been friends with the male leader of the team, Matt since this summer and his desire to have me lead with him was such an encouragement. It actually became somewhat humorous because literally a day did not go by that I wasn’t asked if I was going with them to Swazi. The team rallied around me and wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. Still, I struggled with giving up so many things to do this.

Then, when I was in St. Francis one day for ministry something changed for me. To give a little back story, when I was in Swazi this past summer one day in church our translator, Musa decided he would nickname me “Carrots” in front of the entire church and somehow the name stuck. My whole team started calling me “Mama Carrots” and still does to this day. I never really understood where the name came from since I don’t have red hair, but it always gave everyone a good laugh so I didn’t mind. Well, fast forward to the ministry in St. Francis. I had been struggling with this decision and begging God to speak to me and show me what to do. We were visiting some people in the community and as usual a ton of kids ran up to the van as soon as we got there. We played a little bit and then one child asked me what my name was. I said “Caroline” and he looked me dead in the eye and said “Carrots!” My jaw dropped to the ground. One of the girls on the team knew the story and died out laughing. We couldn’t believe it. I just stood there looking stunned. That’s when something changed. I can’t even explain it, but it was like I was reminded of what it is all about. It isn’t about me or what I want. It is what God wants me to do. It was as if God used that child to speak to me and remind me of the heart he has given me. It of course became the topic of many conversations when we got back to J-Bay.

To make the decision harder, a couple of days later I found out that I would have the opportunity to lead a trip to Kenya in the summer if I wanted. I was completely torn. I have been trying to get back to Kenya for 3 years and I finally had my chance. What on earth was I supposed to do? How much was I really supposed to give up? In the weeks to follow all I could hear God saying is that I had to stop being so selfish. If I give Him my life and say I will do whatever He wants for my life, than I don’t get to pick and choose only the ministries that fit into my agenda. I had to hand it over and if that meant going into a hard situation to serve Him than that is what I was going to have to do. I couldn’t hold on to anything. It keeps going back to the question: “Is He really worth it?” Is He worth giving up my comfort? Is He worth giving up the people and things that are most important to me in this life? Is He worth giving up my deepest wants and desires? Honestly, I struggled with these questions and still do. I think we would all want to say “yes” but if we are honest I don’t know that we could always say “yes.” After praying and spending so much time with the team, I realized that I just needed to get over my selfishness and go to Swazi. Now that I am home I am still having a hard time letting go, but I am going to do it anyway. I have to believe that the blessings will outweigh the sacrifices. I’m taking one of the hardest leaps of faith I have ever taken but I’m not turning back. I will be discipling 6 girls on the team, and I pray that God will use me in their lives. I know I will have my moments on this trip where I will want to quit and go home, but I pray in these times that God will meet me where I am and show His faithfulness in a big way. I honestly have no idea what God has in store, but I know it must be something great. I will be heading back to Georgia in the next couple of days, packing up my house and then heading to Swazi the week of Jan. 12. When I book my plane ticket I will let everyone know the exact date and the address where I will be staying. I hope everyone reading this is greatly blessed in 2009 and I am thankful for having each one of you walking through this journey with me. You are a blessing!

For His Glory,

Caroline 🙂