“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”- John 15:1-4
What does real community look like, and how does one accomplish it? Is the church where a body of people congregates, or is it the actual body? Over the last 2 months, a group of people has formed here out of the office. It started with about 8-10 people who just wanted to spend time together outside of work, and now it has become a true community that does pretty much everything together. These people are amazing and are truly some of the best people I have ever met. It sounds great, but what I now realize is that with this close community of people comes dealing with trust issues. It can be really hard at times and takes purposeful effort. In order to truly be what God intended “The Church” to be, we have to be able to trust one another. Not just that, but we have to go a step further and be vulnerable and honest with one another. This is the point where I pull back. If I am vulnerable and share my heart then I will most likely get hurt. How do I trust these people?
Why does trusting people hurt so badly? Why is having confidence in someone so hard? Webster’s defines the word “trust” as: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. Lately I have been thinking a lot about trust and what it means to truly trust someone. God has been making it very evident to me that we all have scars in our lives. Each of our scars has been left by a different circumstance, but these scars have affected and had a hand in forming the people we are today. Whether it is from people 
leaving, betraying trust, saying one thing and doing another or just not being a good friend, many people (including myself) find it hard to put their confidence in another human being. I have realized that through all of my life experiences I have built walls up around my heart. I didn’t even know I had done this until about a month ago when these walls starting to come crashing down. I then realized that the state I am in right now is a time of pruning. God is picking off the dead branches and tearing down the walls that have been covering up the person He made me to be. I have been trying to protect myself, but in the process I was covering up my heart. I don’t want that, but how do I show my heart to people without getting hurt? I don’t know how to be vulnerable without expecting people to hurt or disappoint me. I’ve almost come to expect it. God has been showing me that I have to love without expectations of being loved in return: this is what true, selfless love looks like. Man, is that easier said than done. I think we all love with some sort of expectations attached, but Christ didn’t. He gave His whole self and rarely got anything in return, but that didn’t stop Him from giving all of Himself to people. He was hurt in the worst ways, and He still gave everything He had to those that hurt Him. I want to be like that. I want to love unconditionally and if I get hurt than I get hurt, but at least I gave everything I had.
It is hard for me to love people without being able to trust them. Not just that, but how do I believe that these people actually truly love me and have my best interests at heart? That is a tall order to fill. If I put everything out on the table, how do I know they aren’t just going to leave me? Honestly, I don’t know the answers to all of these questions, but I am working through them. Most people can get through their lives with just surface relationships, but I can’t do that here and part of me doesn’t want to. I want to break the cycle of feeling rejected and abandoned. I want to trust them. I’m not there yet, but with the Lord’s help I am working on it. I don’t want to regret this time and look back and wish I had given or trusted more. So…with each conversation, prayer, hug and laugh we share, I’m learning what it means to trust and what the “Body of Christ” should look like. I’m thankful that sometimes it is ok to not be ok, and through these times I will see more of what God is trying to teach me. There is a reason God won’t let me run away from the pain and discomfort. I mean, I can’t get away from these people (ha). He is making me deal and rest in it. Through this pruning process, hopefully I can come out of all of this knowing Him and myself more and maybe even ending up with a true family of friends. What a great thing that would be.
For His Glory,
Caroline 🙂
Ps. 56:3
